I'm Always Afraid
by Pandora95
Summary: "Tears fell down Sasuke's face, despite how much he was trying to stop them. He had enough of this happening every day. The worst part was, he knew he was a waste of space and no one needed him. He wanted to curl up in a ball and die. How easy would it be to just fall asleep one day and not wake up again?" Bullying, abuse, self-harm in later chapters, dark themes, hence the raiting
1. Confession (What's Inside My Head)

"Never cry for what's been and gone

Always look forward to what is to be

Never regret the past you lived

Always smile because you're meant to be"

* * *

Cold winter air blew through the open window. Shivering on the bed, lay a tall, thin, pale boy with hair so black, it was an extreme contrast with his skin. Headphones in his ears, he was listening to the familiar beat of a _Red _song.

"_I confess, I'm always afraid, always ashamed, of what's inside me_._" _He sang softly along with the song, his eyes closed, trying his best to forget about what had happened that day. It wasn't easy but the music seemed to be helping.

He had no one to talk to. No friend to confide in. He was all alone. His parents were dead, his brother fighting in the army…

It was funny really, he thought. Back when he actually used to have friends, they kept asking him if he was okay every day. He would sigh and roll his eyes and reply with a 'yeah fine'. Now, when he was actually in trouble, no one asked him anymore. They didn't care. All of his friends had abandoned him.

He pulled out his headphones, opened his eyes and lifted his arm lazily so that he could look at it. The red marks were now fading, just to be replaced by a bunch of bruises. "Looks like you're wearing long sleeves tomorrow Sasuke." He said to himself. After all, he couldn't let anyone see them. The people who hit him would get a sick satisfaction, and the teachers would ask him questions. Questions he couldn't, nor wanted to answer.

He would fight back, he really would but he was simply too tired. Knowing his luck, he would be the one to get into trouble, and then they might have thrown him out of school and he just couldn't risk that. He didn't want to disappoint his parents.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Sasuke asked a little unintelligently. Probably the only other person who lived in this house…

"It's me Sasuke. I heard you came home early, are you alright sweetheart?" It was Ally's soft, gentle, loving voice. Ally was his mother's best friend, and she has been taking care of him since his parents died. She was the only person who actually still cared about him (apart from his brother of course, but he wasn't here). But Sasuke could never tell her what troubled him. It wasn't her problem. She had already done so much for him; he didn't want to cause any more trouble.

"Yeah, I'm fine" he reassured her.

"Is it okay if I come in? I would like a word honey."

"No wait" He looked at his arms and legs that stuck out from his shorts. They were littered with red marks and bruises. She couldn't see him like this. "I'm not decent."

"Okay take your time sweetie, I'll wait here."

Sasuke jumped from his bed, changed from his shorts to his jeans, and put a long sleeved jumper on to cover his hands and sat back down on the bed.

"Alright, you can come in." He told her. After a few seconds the door opened and Ally stepped into the room, giving him a warm smile. She was a beautiful lady inside and out. Sasuke wished every day that she wouldn't have to be stuck with him.

"What happened Sasuke?" She asked sitting on his bed next to him. "Your teacher called and said you ran out of school. Are you okay?"

Sasuke nodded once. "Yeah, I just had a bit of a stomach ache, but I led down and I'm fine now." He lied convincingly and smiled at her.

"Sweetheart, of there is anything ever you need to talk to me about, I'm here to listen. I know I can't replace your parents, and trust me, I'm not trying to, but I do want to help you."

"I know" he told her and smiled again. He hated lying to her, he really did. He really wanted to confide in her, but he couldn't. He couldn't do that to her. He didn't want her to worry.

"Oh come here" she said and pulled him into a hug. However, she pulled away with a gasp. "Sasuke you're freezing!" She stared rubbing his arms to warm him up but it hurt his bruised arms. He bit his tongue to stop himself from crying out. Eventually Ally stopped and Sasuke let out a relieved breath. Ally looked around and saw the window open. "Honey you're gonna freeze to death!" She all but ran to the window, and slammed it shut.

"I'm not that cold" He lied again.

"Nonsense! You're freezing! I'll go turn the heating up." She said walking back to the door. "Oh yeah!" she stopped and put her hand in her pocket. "This came for you this morning, it's from Itachi." She handed him a letter with a smile, and left the room shutting the door behind her. Sasuke looked at envelope in his hands. He wondered why his brother had written to him. He never usually did.

With shaky hands (from the cold or anticipation, he didn't know) he opened the letter and started reading.

_Sasuke,_

_ I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. How are you doing? Are you treating Ally well? How's school?_

_ I'm also sorry that I can't be with you more. I know it's nearly five years since our parent's death and I wish I could be with you. _

_ God I don't know what else to write…Words escape me. There's so much I wish to tell you, but I don't want to write it here. _

_ I guess the only thing I can say is, I love you and I miss you. _

_ Itachi_

Sasuke read the letter again and again. By the fourth time, he started crying. He hugged the letter close to his chest and wished, more than anything that Itachi was right here with him. Itachi more than anyone understood. Itachi could help him. Because if not him, who would?

* * *

"You're such a pansy!" One guy shouted as he punched Sasuke hard in the stomach. Sasuke coughed and doubled over clutching his stomach. "Fucking hell you can't even take a punch like a man! Hit me back or something!"

Sasuke, still clutching his stomach, tried hard to catch his breath. He looked up at his attacker just in time to see him going in for another punch.

"Hey stop!" Someone from behind him called. "Don't you dare!"

Sasuke didn't see what happened next, his legs gave out and he collapsed on the floor. He kept his gaze on the ground. He didn't dare look up. He did hear a 'what', a punch, and a muffled 'I'll get you for that asshole!'

"Hey, are you okay?" A voice asked him gently. Sasuke looked up and saw a boy with blond hair and bright blue eyes looking at him worriedly. He felt ashamed; he made someone he didn't even know worry.

"Yeah I'm fine" he answered as the blond boy helped him up.

"Are you sure? I could take you to the school nurse or home?" he offered with a gentle smile.

"No, I'm fine" Sasuke replied and added a polite "thanks".

"No problem" the boy smiled at him again. "My name is Naruto"

"Sasuke" he replied wondering why the boy still hadn't left.

"Nice to meet you! What class do you have next?"

"Erm History" Sasuke replied.

"Me too! Walk to class together?"

After a few seconds of hesitation Sasuke nodded his head. "Sure…"

* * *

After History it began again. Naruto left Sasuke on the field on the way between classes, just to go to the bathroom, he promised he'd be back soon, but in that time, they already found him. It didn't even matter that a few people walked past and would see what was about to happen. No one had enough courage to stand up to them. No one apart from Naruto. The rest of them just hurried off and pretended they couldn't see anything.

"Who's your new boyfriend?" One guy teased as he grabbed Sasuke by the hands and kept them in a firm grasp behind the boy's back.

"I always knew you were a faggot or something." Another said as he took a swing and punched Sasuke in the stomach again. He hit the same spot as before and Sasuke cried out in pain. "You're pathetic. I wish you'd just disappear or die or something!"

"Yeah!" Another guy came from behind the other one and kicked Sasuke in the leg. Hard. "When are you gonna get it through your thick skull that no one even wants you here?! Have we not made that clear already?! No one will even miss you!"

"If you keep this up Uchiha" the second guy spoke again grabbing Sasuke by his hair and making Sasuke look at him. "One day, _we_ might have to kill you, you waste of space."

With a final punch to the arm, the three boys finally walked off. Tears fell down Sasuke's face, despite how much he was trying to stop them. He had enough of this happening every day. The worst part was, he knew he was a waste of space and no one needed him, but he simply couldn't do that to Ally or to Itachi. The sad reality was, he wanted to curl up in a ball and die. How easy would it be to just fall asleep one day and not wake up again? To never have to face this type of pain again…

Sasuke stood up and picked up his bag which had fallen to the ground at one point. Limping, he started walking home. He couldn't go back to class, not today. He didn't care that it was the second day in the row. He would make something up and tell Ally so that she wouldn't worry.

As he limped, he tried to ignore Naruto shouting his name behind him, however the other boy was quicker and caught up to him in no time.

"Sasuke! Where are you going? Class isn't over yet!"

"I have to go home." Sasuke replied.

"Why? Did something happen?" Naruto asked confused. "And why are you limping?"

"It doesn't matter!" Sasuke snapped. "Just leave me alone."

Naruto reached out his hand and placed it on Sasuke's shoulder making the other boy stop. Naruto span Sasuke around to face him. "Was it them again?"

"I said, leave me alone! Mind your own business! I didn't ask for your help! Find someone else to waste your time on!"

Rage boiling within him, Sasuke turned around and started limping towards his home. This time Naruto didn't follow. Despite everything, Sasuke felt guilty.


	2. Wasting Time

Sasuke found himself in a similar position. Again he was lying on his bed, music blasting through his headphones, trying to silence his thoughts. But no matter how hard he tried, how loud his music was, or how tightly he squeezed his eyes shut, he simply couldn't forget. What was the point in trying anymore? It's not like anyone wanted or needed him…

He rolled over to his side quietly. He was too tired and hurt to think anymore…all he wanted was sleep…

In his dream, he saw a face, it was too beautiful to describe in words…to Sasuke it looked like an angel…a blue eyed, blond haired angel. The angel smiled at him with a kind smile, and opened his arms. Without any hesitation Sasuke ran up to the angel and hugged him tightly. The angel placed his hands on Sasuke's back so gently, Sasuke could barely feel them.

"Are you afraid?" The angel asked in a voice Sasuke had heard before. "Are you scared?" Sasuke didn't answer. Instead, his grip on the angle's shirt tightened.

"Why are you so scared?" The angel asked again. "Why are you afraid when I'm here?"

Stunned by the odd question, Sasuke pulled away from the angel, just enough so that he could see his face. The angel, still smiling kindly, Sasuke realised was no angel at all. In fact, it was the boy Sasuke had met earlier that day.

"Can't you see that I'll protect you from now on?"

"What?" Sasuke said taking a step back from him.

"I'll protect you." Naruto said again, slower.

"I don't need your protection, I can protect myself!" He snapped.

"I can help you." Naruto said again, taking a step towards Sasuke. "Let me help you. You don't have to be scared anymore."

"No! Just stay away from me you creep!" Sasuke shouted taking another step away from him.

Naruto stopped looking hurt. He shook his head and pulled out something from his back pocket…a gun! He took aim directly at Sasuke's chest. "Too bad" He smirked as he pulled the trigger.

"Fuck!" Sasuke woke up gasping for air. He clutched his chest, where his heart was beating way too fast. "Fuck what the hell was that?!"

Soon he heard a loud knock on his door. "Sasuke honey, are you alright?!" Ally asked from the other side of the door.

"Ye-yeah" he replied shakily. "Just had a bad dream"

"What to talk about it sweetheart?"

"No, not particularly" he answered honestly.

"Alright honey, I'm just in the next room if you need me. Good night sweetie."

"Night" Sasuke replied lying back down on his bed, his heartbeat slowly returning to its normal rhythm. He noticed that it had gotten dark outside. His iPod lay forgotten on the bed next to him, his headphones tangled with his bed sheets. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the digital clock on his bed side cabinet. It read 00:45.

"Great, 7 hours and 15 minutes left before school starts," he sighed and put his hands behind his head. Closing his eyes he tried to figure out what that dream had meant. He couldn't remember exactly how it started, but he sure as hell remembered how it ended. If anything, there was one clear message from his dream. He had to stay away from Naruto. Sooner or later, he'd only end up hurt or the one to hurt him.

* * *

The next morning, Sasuke felt unbelievably tired. After his nightmare he couldn't get back to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he kept seeing his face, his smirk, that gun…

Sasuke shivered just at the thought. He knew very well that he couldn't trust people. They just wanted to hurt him…see him suffer. He never understood why him, but it always was. He suspected he was just an easy target. Now they knew he wouldn't try to fight back, they knew he'd just "stand there and take it like the little bitch he is" as he heard someone say behind his back once.

But Naruto seemed so sweet and nice…_looks can be deceiving_, Sasuke reminded himself. Just like the guy who broke him. He seemed sweet and nice, caring and loving until-

"Sasuke love, if you don't hurry you'll be late!" It was Ally's kind voice that interrupted his thoughts.

"Right" Sasuke answered gabbing his coat and bag. Time to face another day of hell.

* * *

It wasn't that Sasuke hated people. He loved his parents, even though they were dead, he loved his brother even though he nearly never saw him; he loved Ally and was grateful that she still put up with him. But it was hard for him to believe that people were truly good when they tortured him daily. He hated them for it. He hated the people who ignored it and walked by as if nothing was happening. He hated Naruto for getting involved. He hated himself for being so powerless. If only his parents could see him now…

"Good morning Sasuke" upon hearing his name, Sasuke looked up from doodling on his desk and saw the smiling face of the same blond haired, blue eyed man that haunted his dreams that night.

"Hi" he replied coldly.

"How are you feeling?" Naruto asked, his smile never wavering.

"Why do you care?" Sasuke snapped.

"I just do" He answered not even a little offended by Sasuke's attitude.

With a sigh, Sasuke's expression softened. "I'm fine"

"You really don't look it," Naruto said as he pulled up a chair and sat down next to Sasuke, resting his elbows on the desk covering Sasuke's doodles. Sasuke frowned momentarily. "You know you can talk to me about it if you want."

"Naruto, no offence" Sasuke began "but we don't know each other at all. We just met yesterday and you're acting like you're my best friend or something. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

"Oh" he replied, his smile disappearing. "Oh sorry I didn't think…I didn't think you'd mind. In fact…I thought you'd like some company…"

Sasuke sighed once again. "Look I appreciate your help yesterday, but I'm fine on my own, honestly. I've been fine all the times before you came to my help, and I'll be fine now. You don't have to worry about me."

"You call what happened yesterday being "fine"?"

"Why are you so fucking interested in me suddenly?"

Naruto blushed a little and dropped his gaze to the floor. "I…I just…"

With a rough shove of his chair, Sasuke got up, making Naruto look up. "Have you ever heard the saying, 'curiosity killed the cat'?" He asked and Naruto nodded once. "Well then, mind your own fucking business, and this time I really, really mean it. Stay the hell away from me."

Sasuke wished he hadn't seen the hurt expression on Naruto's face before he stormed out of the classroom.

He also wished he actually meant what he said.

And finally, he also wished that the event that happened next…never occurred…at all…


	3. Out From Under

Still limping slightly, Sasuke took off home. He had enough of it all. He didn't care in the slightest if he got expelled from school. He didn't care about his future. As far as he was concerned he had no future.

He thought of joining his brother in the army, but he didn't feel strong enough. If he couldn't even handle his life, how could he be able to take someone else's?

It's not that Sasuke was stupid either. Ally always called him a genius. He really wasn't, some things were just easy for him to understand, and that's all. Math and biology, physics and business just came easy to him. But if he could, he would swap his natural talent for those subjects in order to be able to draw, or write, or sing, or make music…

Either way school wasn't a problem to him, but he couldn't deal with what happened during school time any longer.

"Sasuke!" Someone called his name behind him. Sasuke clenched his fists and started walking faster. "Sasuke!" the voice called again. It sounded strangely similar to Naruto's.

"Leave me the fuck alone." He muttered under his breath, gritting his teeth. Throwing a quick glace behind him, Sasuke confirmed that it was indeed Naruto following him.

"Sasuke please wait!" Naruto called, but Sasuke still kept walking. Why wouldn't Naruto just leave him alone? Wasn't he clear enough before?

Sasuke took a couple of turns and entered the park. He could see his own breath in the cold air as he began panting from walking so fast. He shoved his hands in his pockets in order to warm them up. He took another turn and started walking on the edge of the frozen lake. It was a shortcut to his house, and never before, had he wanted to be home more.

"Sasuke please wai-" before Naruto could finish, Sasuke heard the terrible noise of ice breaking and a body hitting the water. He stopped in his tracks, his heart beating fast and whizzed around. Naruto was nowhere to be seen, but he instead found a hole in the otherwise unbroken ice.

"Naruto" he breathed and started running towards the hole. He dropped to his knees and looked through it, but couldn't see Naruto anywhere. "Shit" he swore as he took his coat off in two swift movements. Without thinking, he dived into the freezing water after Naruto.

As soon his body hit the water, Sasuke was in agony. The freezing water was unbearable; if he didn't find Naruto soon they'd both freeze to death.

Sasuke tried his best to look around, but in that water it was near impossible. He started panicking, as his lungs began to burn. He started turning frantically right and left but he still couldn't see anything.

He broke the surface of water spluttering and coughing. He took a deep breath and dived in again. He still couldn't see Naruto anywhere. Just when he was about to lose hope he spotted a flash of bright blond. Sasuke dived towards it. As he got closer, his heart started beating even louder and harder in his chest. It really was Naruto. Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the waist and started pulling him towards the surface.

Thankfully Sasuke could still see the hole in the ice and swam towards it, but started to lose his strength. With the last kick of his legs the broke the surface of water again. He managed to get out, while still keeping his hold on Naruto and then eventually pull the other boy out as well.

They both lay on the soft snow, Sasuke panting heavily and shaking uncontrollably, and Naruto lying frightfully still.

After just barely getting his breath back, Sasuke kneeled next to Naruto. He was unusually pale and his lips where blue.

"Na-Na-Naruto" Sasuke said through chattering teeth, wrapping his arms around himself. "Na-Naruto wa-wake up" Naruto didn't answer.

With shaky fingers Sasuke unbuttoned Naruto's coat and took it off him. Uncertainly, he placed his ear to Naruto's chest. He sighed with relief when he could hear the other's heartbeat.

"Na-Naruto, wake up" he said again as cupped Naruto's face with his hands. Sasuke's heart was still hammering in his chest, but it leapt in joy when the Naruto spluttered and coughed up water, opening his eyes.

"Na-Naruto are you-you ok-okay?" Sasuke asked as Naruto sat up still coughing water. He didn't take his hands away from Naruto's face, and Naruto didn't move away. "Na-ruto say so-something."

"What happened?" Naruto asked when he got his breath back.

"You nearly drowned." Sasuke said plainly, but gently.

"And you saved me?"

Suddenly conscious of the fact that he was still cupping Naruto's face with his hands, Sasuke took his hands away and rested them on his knees. "Ye-yeah" he answered still shivering.

"You risked your life to save mine?"

Sasuke dropped his gaze to the floor, while Naruto grinned. The next thing Sasuke knew, he was being pulled into a tight embrace. His eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Thank you Sasuke" Naruto said starting to shiver as much as Sasuke.

"It's no b-big deal. I'm su-sure you would h-have done the same."

Naruto pulled away from Sasuke still smiling. "You're a hero."

Sasuke frowned. "Shut up" he knew he was no hero. A hero was someone like his brother, who was protecting people every day of his life. Sasuke simply did what any person would do.

He reached for his coat which lay forgotten on the snow next to them and wrapped it around Naruto's shoulders. Naruto looked up at him surprised. "Go home Naruto" Sasuke said as he stood up from the ground, wrapped his arms around himself again and walked off in the general direction of his house.

* * *

Sasuke wanted to sneak into his house and just hop into a hot shower. But of course luck wasn't on his side. The moment he walked through the front door, Ally ran up to him, look of pure concern on her voice.

"Sasuke sweetheart" she breathed "what happened to you? You're soaking wet!"

"I…I just…" Sasuke thought hard, but he couldn't come up with a good enough excuse. "I don't really want to talk about it." He said honestly.

"But Sasuke-" Ally protested but Sasuke cut her off before she could finish.

"It's nothing Ally" he smiled at her. "Just a little accident. I swear you worry too much. I'm going to get a shower and then do some homework." Sasuke smiled at her once more and walked up the stairs to the bathroom. Once the door was shut behind him, he sank to the floor and broke down in tears.


End file.
